Can't complain, can't complain.

Things are fairly tough going at the moment for a few people including us. But it doesn't seem right to say so because let's face it there are a bunch who have it much harder right now.

Think your ten year old is a surly little pain in the rear... try having no where to park your rear.

Think your 13 year old is an anti social internet addicted wee fink. Well at least you have internet.

Think your 3 year old is a constant battle. Try constantly battling to try and stay sane pitted against aftershocks.

Think your husband is an insensitive mute. Well at least you still have a husband.

I wonder how it affects people to not feel the right to acknowledge their own pain because some one has it worse? I wonder if it compounds your issues? I wonder if it drags them out longer? I wonder if a lack of acknowledgement makes it nigh on impossible to heal or solve the issue.

And even for those who are in the midst of disaster what about them?
The people who say-
"Hey we're ok we have our power, water our home and family.Lots of people worse off than us." or
"Hey, we're ok it was just material stuff, bricks and mortar at least we didn't lose anyone."
Or the people who feel guilty for leaving Christchurch because they just needed to get away but feel like they deserted their other family members or even just fellow Cantabrians.
They still suffered, are suffering. Not as badly but still hurting and scared.

It's ok.

It's ok to feel like crap. It's ok to say you feel like crap even if your crap is mouse sized compared to somebody else's Great Dane size piece of shit or somebody else's herd of elephants steaming pile of freshly laid dung!

I keep thinking "I'm over it". I'm over all this earthquake stuff and that I'm going to stop watching the news and stop reading stuff and just be an ostrich head in the sand. And then I feel bad. I feel bad for even complaining. Bad because when your having 8 aftershocks before lunch time you don't get to be over it and you don't have a choice to ignore it.

I can't imagine the stress and duress people in Christchurch are being placed under constantly- and I know that I can't imagine it. I know that there's nothing I've been through that compares to their situation and until you've been there in it you just won't know.

But here's the thing. I wake up every morning worrying that there has been another big one overnight and that my family are trapped somewhere. I have to watch the news to check and make sure it's still ok. To see if there is some vital piece of information I need to know or may be helpful. I want to ring my family hourly;
"Hi ya, Still alive?"
"Yep"
"Good, good, carry on living then, please. PLEASE.".

I make plans every time I am driving for if 'it' happened right then to us.
I think of which kid I should go to first- who might I need to contact to help with the others. I know that Les won't be able to help- I'll be on my own. I think of which roads may be cut off with collapsed bridges etc and what my alternate route would be. I worry about Kieran being so far away and if the school would let him go with someone we know or let him walk home? Which way would be best should I find someone that needs emergency help at the hospital? Will the over bridges on the motor way collapse or become unstable. I look at the awnings of the buildings I am walking under. I wonder if I should carry more cash, keep my car topped up with gas. If we have enough canned food etc in the house. If the diary owner and the fruit and vege people would let us owe them if there was no eftpos and we really needed something. I worry about having to help my scary neighbours (I don't want to but I know I should). I worry about needing help from them- yuk. I wonder if Auckland's bridges would collapse and we'd be cut off from other parts of the city. I wonder if there would be a Tsunami- and if I should worry about that with us being relatively close to the water. I wonder if we should stay at home or go to base- lets face it Les will be working- but at least we'd feel more supported and protected over there. I think how I would get everyone and everything over to base if we couldn't drive and if there would be live power lines on the ground if we had to walk there. I think about the wisdom of storing our water and food stuffs in cupboards that are not fixed to the wall. I worry about the fact that the things we need torches, candles, radios, batteries, blankets, important documents etc are spread around the house. I worry about the way our furniture is set up and if it would prevent us getting to the kids if  if it happened at night. I fear that the bunks would collapse down on themselves causing grievous harm to our boys. I wonder where we could go if leaving town was the best option- south would be best but hardest and we don't know anyone all that well up north. And I worry about the last time we backed up our photos because next to the husband, kids and the cat they are my most precious possession. I wonder if it's silly to want to take the hard drive if we have to leave home. And we should really buy a cat carry box or else Ruby will be loose in the car or left behind if we have to walk.

And to be honest I'm kind of exhausted by all that worrying. And it's not all that I am worried about right now.

So ya know what?

I know that others have it heaps worse than me. I know they are living my nightmares right now and my 13 year olds internet habit pales in comparison and my 3 year olds 'self given' haircut is a laugh not a worry.

But I can complain.

I am.

I just did.

Life kind of sucks right now. For all of us.

♥