Still Learning

Ok so I'm putting this out into the world it's honest and it's a little raw. But it's mine I'm writing from the shoes I am in- my shoes (sandals actually). I am certain others can fault it from their own view of the world and their own view of me. But that's your thing not mine so keep it to yourself, seriously.

I've been trying to write this post for a week now- I've composed it over and over in my head and now I sit down to write it seems I've forgotten my neatly composed words. It all stems from a discussion I had with Les and then a further conversation with my Life Coach. (Yes I have a Life Coach- lucky for me she's free because it's not a high priority in the budget- but she's just starting out and she needed someone to practice on and I was in the right place at the right time. She's awesome!)

So... I had a conversation with Les- that left me feeling like a complete loser. He didn't intend for it to go that way at all but one thing led to another and that's where I was.

We were talking about losing weight actually and we had come to the conclusion that what works for him doesn't work for me and that we'd each have to work on it in our own ways. That got us on to other ways that we are different. He's pretty cruisy, likes to go with the flow and not particularly into confrontation and so less likely to stick up for himself or things he believes in.

I am the opposite.

The past year has been really rough there have been 4 instances 2 personal, 1 professional and one kind of minor one related to Rugby where I have ended up running for the hills feeling confused and very, very hurt. It got to the point where I genuinely thought there was something terribly wrong with me. And the conversation I had with Les seemed to confirm the whole idea.

Then I talked with Cathie. Thank-goodness for Cathie.

My reaction in all of these instances was to internally yell "retreat!" and withdraw completely from the situation. I left the Rugby Committee, I completely avoid going into school unless totally necessary and stopped seeing a few friends.

I started to look at myself and could see a pattern of this throughout my life. At this point various people are thinking that it sounds like it is my "fault" and as I said I was starting to think like that too.

One of the very first instances I can remember I was around 20. My parents had been apart for over four years. And I guess you could say my mother and I had been separated for the same. When they split she made it abundantly clear that she wanted my Dad back, and anyone who didn't support that or who even worse worked against it was ousted from her life and that included me. Beyond hurt and angry I took the stuff I could and left intending at 16 to never talk to her again I was determined not to put myself in a position not to be hurt by her again. I doesn't work like that- but I didn't realise that at 16.

On the occasion I am thinking of my mother went from Dunedin to Christchurch and turned up at my Dad's house to let him know she knew he was having trouble with a woman in his life and that she was willing to take him back. She was acting on the advice of her Astrologer. It wasn't the first time his advice had caused issues. Now technically this was none of my business I can see that looking back but at 20 it was my Mom and Dad and I was right in the thick of it. So I called the Astrologer and let him know the effect his reading were having and told him that I genuinely believed my mother was mentally ill.

He told my mother.

I got a letter from a lawyer threatening me with a defamation suit. My mother may as well have turned up on my doorstep and slapped me around with a baseball bat. (As an aside my Dad got one threatening a non-molestation order- which was a bit of a joke really.)

I honestly believed that I was doing something in the best interests of us all.

• My Dad because he needed to be left alone to get on with his life with his new partner and their soon to be born son.
  
• My Mum because she needed help not an Astrologer.
• And myself because I was so hurt that I needed to have her completely out of my life for my own protection.

What I didn't factor in was the other person. I could never have foreseen what the Astrologer would do and how my Mother would react.

And you never can. You can write an email or letter, you can have a conversation in person or on the phone and no matter how you say what you say, no matter how carelessly or carefully you word it you can't account for the other person's reaction. They are standing in their own shoes and see the world from their own unique point of view. And the eyes and the brain that they read with are coloured by that.

And this I guess is where I have gone wrong in all four cases this past year. But I'm not sure that I ever could have got it right.

So in the case of the Rugby- it's not a big deal. I was on the committee because I truly believe in giving to the communities we, as a family, are part of. I could still do that without being on the committee and so I did. I still felt uncomfortable because while trying to sort out a perceived injustice by another member of the committee I was accused of doing something wrong intentionally, when in actual fact it was a mistake which I apologised for as soon as I found out. My apology and explanation were not accepted which left people thinking less of me- that's not a great feeling especially as I believe I am a genuinely good person.

In the case of the school I'm just biding my time until we are out of there. It still really makes my skin crawl because a serious injustice was done to a person who is incredibly hard-working, professional and fair and who never in a million years deserved what has happened and the resulting effects to her career. It also makes me mad because until recently I was seriously passionate and committed to our school, a community I have been a part of since before Kieran started there 8 years ago. And I honestly believe that the powers that be are systematically trashing what was a great school for your average local kid. But I accepted there is very little I can do- so I do what I can- I care for Kieran's teacher and I write 8 pages responses to the 4 page community survey. :-)

But in the two personal situations I'm lost.

I can see the logical point of view that I didn't factor in the other persons perspective.

But I am still left with the fact that unlike the people at Rugby and the school who don't really know me, these people, I thought, did. And whatever offence they took to what I said I would have thought they knew me well enough to know that I would never ever in a million years do anything with the intention of hurting anyone, especially not someone I loved or had the potential to love, that's just not who I am. And that is where the hurt comes in. And after the virtual slap upside the head from my Mum I'm more than a little protective of my heart and not terrible keen to put it out there to be hurt again.... once bitten, twice shy.

It's easy from the outside to stand and say "well look Gypsy you are the common denominator in all these situations so the problem lies with you". But I don't think anything is ever that clear cut or black and white. People are complicated and relationships even more so. I'm not letting myself completely off the hook here- I could have handled things better- when you know better you do better- so I will.

But I'm not going to change the other common denominator here. It's one of the key facets of me and what makes me. And what makes me the complete opposite of Les.

I fight.

I fight for what I believe in. I fight for the people I love. And I fight for people that I don't even know sometimes. I fight for what I think is right and fair and good. I believe that life should be fair and that all people should be happy and get what they need and deserve. I wouldn't want to change it.

I'm proud of that. I'm proud of me.

But I do need to figure out how to do it better. I need to always be as mindful as I can of where the other people are coming from. And I need to be aware that I may be hurt and find strategies to deal with that. Running a mile is not really working in the long term.

And sometimes when it's not my fight I need to butt out- but oh my that is so hard especially when others aren't willing or able to fight for themselves or those they are responsible for.

So I am still learning. I'm a work in progress. That's cool. I'm cool.

_____________________________

Kieley, I presume it's irreparable and I'm incredibly sad about that. But I just wanted to say I am literally petrified of running into you. Because I don't know what to do and I don't want to make it any worse. So I'm taking your lead. If you say hello then I will too because I'd be happy to have a quick chat and know you are well. And if you don't then I'll do the same because I don't want to make anything worse. And I finally, I miss you, oh lord, do I miss you and I love you too, always.

Shannon, Lisa- I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to bridge the gap. There's no place for me I'm not a brother or sister or father, I'm not a step-mum or aunty and I'm not sure that I am even a friend. We are so different I never realised how much and I don't know how to compensate for that. And I was hurt, really hurt both for myself, for my family and in a way I don't think you'll understand yours too. And I wanted you to know if the worst had happened to you and he ended up with us I would have loved him just as much and just as well as I do my own kids and I'm sad that you didn't realise that about me.

Thank-you Cathie. I know I did the work but in this case you provided the key. And I will shout the benefits of life coaches to all that will listen especially my life coach.... though I don't want your workload to build too much just yet.

♥