Tuesday, August 28, 2018

And I thought...

... what if I just tell the truth.

What if I tell how my heart felt like it contracted in my chest when my horoscope suggested I reach out to friends and family and reconnect. The anxiety was immediate and palpable.

What if I say how I spent a weekend in a flat black panicked spin when I found out my mother was going to be in the same country and I was terrified she'd come to my side of this giant rock and somehow someone might let her in my house.

What if I share just how much I love my little sister and yet how many tears I shed over the stress and terror of just the idea of going to her wedding. And how many more I shed thinking of the guilt and regret I'd have if I didn't. Of how I wondered if maybe I could just stop eating till March... so I'd at least look okay on the outside even if the inside was fucked and petrified.

What if I tell how the sun shone down on me and my feet were happy on the sand but the tears trickled down my face because they offered to pay for me to go just like I knew that they would and the shame of not being able to pay my own way was like a lead blanket. 'No pressure' they said but there always is.

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