Do not reply. Do not email. Do not contact. Just do not.
This is Tama's second full day in Kindy. It's the second day I have ended up at home in a hot mess of tears.
It's not about my baby growing up. It's not about Tama at all.
I'm quietly going crazy alone here.
I was cleaning the first time. It's something I do so rarely that it was a pretty momentous occasion. I feel a lot of guilt around that. And I imagined being thanked for my efforts - recognition for a job done. Seems like a good thing right? Nope not for me, I feel like such an abject failure as a wife/mother/friend/daughter/person that such recognition would just be recognition of how unusual this event was and therefore just another reminder of how crap I am.
I was so looking forward to this quiet time. Looked upon it as a saviour for my perpetually noisy mind. Today I sat down to work on my list. On my plans. On my word. On my goals for the week/month/year/life. On me. And the voices are simply louder and clearer.
"This is how bad it's got", they say.
"This is how deep in the hole you are."
"There's no getting out of here."
"You are completely alone here in your life."
"You might really be crazy."
There's so much to do and it's all so fucking hard. It's big and it's small and some of it is twice daily.
And every.time.I.don't.do.it. I FAIL again.
I even have reminders set up- twice daily my phone buzzes to remind me I didn't do the physio exercises.
Three times a day my Fitbit tells me I haven't drunk my water.
Every day I reach for an iced coffee I fail.
Every night I don't kiss the kids goodnight I've failed.
When we don't have enough money it's my failure.
When we've run low on milk, my failure.
I didn't eat breakfast... or lunch.... FAIL
When I forget to get meat out the freezer for dinner: FAIL.
I haven't made him do the homework: FAIL
I didn't parent because I was on the computer: FAIL.
I just want someone to shut the fuck-up rather than to listen like a good parent. FAIL.
I haven't filled in the notice for school: FAIL
I don't even know where the notice is. FAIL
Did I pay that bill? FAIL
I screamed at you in intimidation when you tried you best to injure your brother. FAIL.
Every single god damn day I fail over and over and over again.
And then there's the big whole life failures: Wife: Fail. Daughter: Fail. Step-daughter:Fail. Daughter-in-law:Fail. Friend:Fail. Student Loan, Teaching Career, Dental Heath, No home ownership, Too many kids. Not enough money. Too much stuff.
So many many many many many fuck-ups.
It must be me.
But I'm trying?
Must be something wrong with me?
I'm selfish? Lazy? Different? Lacking?
But I'm trying? I'm always trying: to help. To make things good, better. Make me better? Make others better.
But I always fail. I don't get it. I'm never ever good enough. I'm never enough. I'm never. I'm. I. FAIL.
Do not reply. Do not email. Do not contact. Just do not.
