What I've been looking at lately....

How to Change Your Beliefs and Stick to Your Goals for Good from James Clear.

2014 Integrity Report also James Clear- I like these questions as a way of framing what's happening in my life.

Becoming an Umpire... inexplicably this is something I really want to do.

'Healthy' Honey Crackles recipe. Yum.

The PollyScrap Blog I've become friends with Ruth from Polly- she totally has her heart in the right place and puts together awesome and great value scrapbook kits!

This blog about Tapping.... these seems kind of hokey to me... but also interesting.

Teacher Tom he's my teaching HERO!

Summer Tomato... we are moving towards getting our family off most sugar Summer Tomato has some great articles and recipes.

As does I quit sugar.

5 reasons Toddlers won't follow our instructions; The kids are driving me nuts I need all the help I can get.

Creative Live... I tried to tune into two classes this week (Lain Ehman's (scrapbooking) and Darya Rose from Summer Tomato) but the US based hours make it a little tricky I did enjoy watching some of the replays.

♥

1850's Parenting Advice

Someone posted this recently on a forum I read. It's from a 1850's book about caring for your household. What I like is that it is still very relevant, sensible advice.


Give a Few Minutes to That Child
Few parents realise how much their children may be taught at home, by devoting a few minutes to their instruction every day. Let the parent make the experiment only during the hours which are not spent in school. Let him make a companion of his child, converse with him, propose questions, answer inquiries, communicate facts, explain difficulties, the meaning of things, and the reason of things, and all in so easy and agreeable manner that it will be no task, but serve to awaken curiosity and interest the mind, and he will be astonished at the progress he will make.

Scolding
I never knew one who was in the habit of scolding able to govern a family. What makes people scold? The want of self-government. How then can they govern others! Those who govern well are generally calm. They are prompt and resolute, but steady and mild.

Gratitude
Be careful to teach your children gratitude. Lead them to acknowledge every favour that they receive; to speak often of their benefactors, and to ask blessings for them. Accustom them to treat with marked attention their instructors and those who have aided them in the attainment of knowledge or piety. Gratitude is one of our first duties to God, and should not be forgotten when due to man.

Parental Commands
If you wish to be obeyed, be careful to make few commands, and see that they are obeyed. Run no hazard in giving orders that may by any possibility be disobeyed. If you make them, let nothing be an excuse for disobedience.

The Influence of the Eldest Child
The eldest child will be a model after which the younger members of the family will be fashioned. The taste, the habits, the character of the one, will very likely be copied by the others. How great the responsibility of the parent in the culture and training then of the eldest child!

Practical Thoughts
Be yourselves what your children should be. Avoid what they should avoid at all times; let your example be a safe and unerring guide. Are their defects in their character? Inquire the cause, whether it may not be owing to some defect or fault in your own character which they have copied.

Beautiful, Yet Fearful Thought
Childhood is like a mirror catching and reflecting images all around it. Remember that an impious, profane, or vulgar thought may operate upon a young heart, like a careless spray of water thrown upon polished steel, staining it with rust that no efforts can efface.

Nursery Maxims

• Remember that children are men and women in miniature, and though they should be allowed to act as children, still our dealings with them should be manly, and not morose; recollect, also, that every look, word, tone and gesture, nay even your dress makes an impression.
• Never correct a child on suspicion, or without understanding the whole matter, nor trifle with a child's feelings when under discipline.
• Be always mild and cheerful in their presence, communicative but never extravagant, trifling or vulgar in language or gesture. Never trifle with a child, nor speak beseechingly, when it is doing wrong. Always follow commands with a close and careful watch, until the thing is done, allowing no evasion, and no modification, unless the child ask for it, and it be expressly granted.
• Never reprove children severely in company, nor hold them up to ridicule, or make light of their failings.
• Never speak in an impatient, fretful manner, if you have occasion to find fault.
• Never say to a child, "I don't believe what you say," nor even express doubts. If you have such feelings, keep them to yourself and wait truth will eventually be made plain.
• Never disappoint the confidence a child reposes in you, whether it be a thing placed in your care or a promise.
• Always give prompt attention to a child when he speaks, so as to prevent repeated calls, and that he may learn to give prompt attention when you call him.
• Improve the first ten years of life as the golden opportunity, which may never return. It is the seed time, and your harvest depends upon the seed then sown.

At 4:30am when my brain runeth over

He cries out "Daddy" with terror in his voice.

It's followed by the familiar thud as his feet his the ground and then the fast pad-pad-pad down the hallway.

I wonder if Les who came to bed last put the baby gate up or not and which I would rather happen- not up is easier, up is harder but more comfortable in the long run.
The door is thrown open and he clambers over my feet up the middle of the bed and under the covers. I lay still feigning sleep. If I get up and take him to his bed there will be more tears and noise and then it will take me minutes, perhaps hours to get back to sleep- not the seconds that it takes Les to reset to snoring after his head contacts pillow.

Les does the same- or perhaps he has managed to sleep through the 3 year old ruckus.

Time passes and I have to admit it, my bladder thinks it's full and my hips and side are screaming that they have been on this side too long. I concur get up go to the toilet, investigate the eerie glow and hum from the lounge where some error message has prevented the computer from shutting down and it's been sitting waiting for an 'ok' since Les retired some hours ago.

Back in bed.

I lay facing him, he's still awake we do a complicated dance of pillows and arms till he settles, on his front I jealously note, holding my hand he nods off.

My mind leads me inexplicably to 'sorry'.

When your child dies people say "I am so sorry you lost your baby".

In the midst of grief this is such a confusing statement.

When Saskia died I got 'told off' by a fellow squadron wife after her friend told her that my reply to her 'sorry' was; "Why are you sorry? It's not your fault".

I realise that people struggle with what to say. They feel uncomfortable facing the death of one so small, in our case hardly even started on her life's journey, yet to even take a breath. But Sorry just seems so weird it's an apology for something that need not be apologised for. It's sympathy when what you really need is empathy.

Empathy too is hard. Because unless you have been there don't even deign to imagine what it feels like. Don't dare believe because you lost your husband/mother/dog/wallet that you can know what a grieving parent feels like. IT IS NOT THE SAME. No two parents who have lost a child will ever have the same reaction either so I don't even dare suppose to know what another mother is feeling in her grief. In fact I can tell you that I know I felt worse in the weeks after my second miscarriage than I did in the weeks after Saskia's Stillbirth- but some mothers feel that their miscarriages were a walk in a park compared to their stillborn baby experience.

In the midst of all my thinking on this at 5am this morning I remembered one thing that is worth mentioning here. The best thing that anyone ever said to me was:
"I think I know how you feel a bit because I want a baby so badly, like you. I know you want a specific baby, the baby that you lost, and I just want a baby full stop. But I think I understand that longing for a child you can't seem to have." Thank-you Delwyn, you put into words something I didn't even know I was feeling.

The other squadron wife drove me to drink- literally. The guys were away at the time on a deployment, it was a Friday afternoon and she dropped by to tell me all the things I had done and was doing wrong. It was probably about 3 months after Saskia was born/died and at a point where those who have never truly grieved think you should be 'over it' or at least 'getting on with life'. She caught me off guard and berated me for my reactions and how I had selfishly made others feel uncomfortable. All my doubts and self esteem issues surfaced and from my point of weakness I spilled my guts on things that were none of her business and said way to much. She left after probably an hour  I saw her out the door and pretty much collapsed in a heap.
I drove by the bottle store on the way to get Kieran from pre-school but couldn't afford the 4 pack of RTD's that I wanted, which just added fuel to my already smouldering pile of shit. I don't believe it was a very good weekend. And afterwards I pretty much cut off all ties with the Squadron. Stopped attending the morning teas, and tupperware parties, stopped writing the newsletter and doing baby music at my house. Stuck to the few people I loved and the few more that I trusted. Thank-goodness for Delwyn, Deb and Fiona. And I drank, not much, just a little Kahlua and milk during the days that Kieran was at pre-school and I wasn't looking after Charlotte. Lucky for me I eventually got pregnant so drinking was off the menu because paranoia had set in.

Jeeze that woman was a bitch. I didn't deserve that shit. Why do some women act like that towards people- I have yet to meet a guy who acts like such a self-righteous arse?

Here's the other thing I want you to think about if you know someone who is grieving; don't ask them "How are you?" unless you are truly prepared to take the time to listen to their honest response and respond with care. Some days I barely had the emotional fortitude to breath and walk and so that very complicated third step of weighing an appropriate response to the "How's it going?" question was just too much. The brain goes like this (brain in italics);

"Crap what am I even doing out of bed? Oh yeah I need groceries... what was it I needed again?"
duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
"Oh hell there's 'so and so'- hide! No too late they've seen me"

"Hi Gypsy, how's it going"

Shit, it's going shit that's how it's going complete and utter shit! Hang on is this what they meant, do they want me to be honest? Hmmm lets weigh up the facts: female or male? Female= maybe Male = probably not. Close friend, friend or acquaintance? Oooooh I'm taking too long.
"Um yeah hi, yeah, getting there I guess"
Uncomfortable silence.
Shit I called it wrong they wanted the "Fine thanks, and you?"
Uncomfortable silence.

"Oh well then have a good day"

Yeah sure easy peasy, NOT!
"Oh yeah, sure you too!"
 Can I curl up and die now. Abandon trolley go home.


I'm not sure what's going to happen with this baby- we're at the business end. We're getting to the point where in the past the shit has hit the fan with the fan on HIGH speed. And I'm losing the attitude that I have managed so far. I'm not sure if it was pregnancy Zen or just denial. But I have managed to be 'The Fonz' cool  about this baby till just lately.

I have eaten bakery Chicken sandwiches, Sushi, and various other things that are on the 'no go' list. I have taken panadol, Maxalon, and even had some morphine after that whole passing out in the loo incident back in November. I have had a drink or two of kahlua and milk with little to no guilt (until I read an article on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). I haven't bothered to find out what the babies heart rate has been at midwife appointments. I haven't checked out many numbers at all in fact. I was all good for stopping at three scans after my 20 week anatomy scan. I have been the complete opposite of Hyper-vigilant- I have been as cool as a cucumber.

Till now.

I am waiting for my midwife to call. I was due an appointment last week and she never texted. The logical of you out there (including Les) are just saying text her. But here's thing. I always thought of pregnancy much like a ticking time bomb strapped to my body and growing all the more unstable by the day. You assemble the bomb squad to defuse and hope you have an appropriate team of experts you can rely on. With Merenia I had 3 awesome midwives, 1 crappy old OB, various radiologists and nurses who did the fortnightly scans and 3rd daily CTG's I literally saw someone at least every three days for the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy.
With Will I had a crappy hospital Midwife who I dumped in favour of the OB who was really quite good, my SUPER amazing radiologist and I had a couple of  CTG's when I was totally freaking out and scored one great and one average midwife. Will wasn't quite as closely monitored as Merenia- but still not so bad.

This baby has a midwife. She's a cool midwife and I like her a lot. She'll be great at the birth- but right now with me trying to be all Zen and not all hyper-vigilant- I need to feel like my one bomb squad member is on the ball... not on a break.  I need her to remember me, and call me, and be attentive to me.

When I was pregnant with Saskia I always thought she would be born with a disability I believed she would be born early and have Down Syndrome. I had a plan in place for handling this because I knew when we told Les' family they would loose sight of our beautiful daughter and only recall her 'problem'. I imagined Les' mum telling people in hushed and overly dramatic tones; "Leslie and Gypsy have had the baby, but it's not right in the head. WE haven't had that on OUR side of the family before." And the people would walk off wondering what was going on, if I was to blame in some way, and only later in the day realise they didn't know what we had and what we'd named her. I planned not to tell them- we still had a couple of years left in Australia and wouldn't be bold enough to ask if the pictures we sent showed her condition- so they'd get to know our baby girl- not some imagined horror.

The point is I KNEW. I knew it wasn't going to go to plan and I was still able to trust my instincts. I didn't know she'd die- but I don't think anyone ever really believes that is a possibility. Even when I was pregnant with Merenia and Will- I planned their funerals and figured out what I'd do better than when Saskia died- but I didn't actually believe that it would happen again- not in my heart of hearts.

This time all I have is questions and fear- my ability to work intstinctually  in pregnancy is out the window.

Even on the silly stuff like the sex of the baby;  Here's my brain again:

I think it's a girl.
But I thought Kieran was a girl for 38 weeks only to change my mind at the last minute (thank-goodness I did).
What if it's a girl? What if we end up with the same relationship struggles that M and I have at the moment. What if we don't and that makes M feel mad/bad/sad.
What if it's a boy? What will we call it? Will I be disappointed? 
Is it moving less than yesterday? Has the change been gradual or sudden? When did I last feel movement? Was it hiccups?
Oh no I'm sleeping on my back/right side! How long have I been like this?
Are these contractions regular?
What is that pain in my back? Is it back or could it be kidneys? 
Is that infection back?
Should I really try for a VBAC?
What if they say I can't have one?
Is it possible that we could just leave it a little too late to go to hospital?
What are we going to do with Will? How will he cope?
What if labour happens: at night? at dinner time? while kindy is on? while kindy is not on? While Hockey is on?
The baby is huge! 
Do I really need another scan?
I'm going to be early. What if I'm too early? What if I'm seriously late? What if I wait until the last possible day and still have a C-section when I could have had one 5 weeks earlier?
What if I didn't have much pain after Will because the Doctor severed a nerve and that leads me to not be able to feel my uterus rupture?
What if the reason I have ended up being led to and reading all these blogs lately of mothers of children who have a disability is the universe trying to prepare me in some way.
What if I just get to be normal and go into labour and go to the hospital. Then I'll need a hospital bag. What if I haven't packed it and Les has to do it? I'll need to actually tell my midwife what we want at the birth rather than have it dictated like in a C-section. Why haven't I done that already?
We already have family members with birthdays every month from June through December what if this baby comes in May because it wants it's own birthday month too? 
What if it comes on Saskia's birthday?
What if it's born on Les' dad's death day?
What if I go into labour and am so fat and unfit that I just can't physically do it?
What if it dies? I'm not sure I can do pregnancy again, but we're supposed to be having a baby in our lives one final time so I'm not sure I can just stop and end on that bum note.
Seriously I never thought I'd be having my fourth living child at age 37 13.5 years after the first one what the hell?

Hmmmmmm, Gypsy I do believe you are a little crazy at the moment.

Eventually I must have gone to sleep. Because I woke up with a face full of red hair and a small elbow digging uncomfortably into my breast.

By the way, while I was writing that last bit in the italics- my midwife called.

♥

Parenting: Where we went wrong

 I ran across this article recently via a blog I often read. The religious context of it doesn't interest me in the least. I prefer to take responsibility for my own life and find my strength in my own self. But the parenting perspective touched on some nerves in relation to things we have been struggling with as far as the kids go recently. I guess I am writing this post to clarify the issues for myself and I am posting it because it may help me if anyone has some useful insight and it may help others if you have some of those 'me too' sort of moments.

1. Denial – denying issues or naively thinking that there aren’t any issues to deal with.

Not something I do a whole lot of in relation to the kids.Yay! one point for me. Though I will say I read recently, in relation to body image, there are three camps parents can be in: 1. Parents who acknowledge the issues and go all hard arse to try and ensure their child doesn't end up with problems- by being overly restrictive, using guilt and shame etc  to try and prevent or solve problems with weight etc. Group 2. Parents who address the fact the body image issues happen and the reasons why they do and healthy ways to prevent them. 3. Parents who say nothing. We are pretty much in group 3- we do talk about people having person appropriate sized meals, about letting your brain get the message from your stomach, and we don't let the kids eat a heap of crap. but other than that- nothing. Apparently doing nothing is almost as bad as being in with the manic group one parents.... bugger.

2. Embarrassment – hoping others don’t find out about an issue—which causes me to not seek help or counsel.

I don't really have this issue either.... I do feel some pretty serious guilt/embarrassment about some of my parenting behaviour/thinking- but it's not in the same way as parents who for example deny their child has an addiction issue because they'd be embarrassed if others knew about it and think less of them as parents.

For me embarrassment is more about struggling so hard with some issues and feeling like I am in an impossible/useless/helpless situation that I just don't actually want to deal with that child any more at all some days- that feels pretty shameful.

3. Defensiveness – taking offense at someone’s attempt to deal with an issue, or allowing my child to avoid personal responsibility by blaming others.

There have definitely been occasions where I have been defensive- generally they have involved my mother-in-law and have been where Les and I don't don't actually think there is an issue.... just cause a baby is a bit grizzly doesn't mean it needs the 'wind' whacked out it.

We're pretty big on personal responsibility with our kids.... and it's probably one of the things that annoys me most in parents who don't get their kids to take responsibility for their actions/inaction's.


4. Unresponsiveness – knowing there’s an issue but hoping it will just go away on its own (you know—a phase).

Me, me, me!!! Or should that be We, we we! At the moment what springs to mind is Kieran: 1) The amount of time he spends holed up in his room. The amount of time he doesn't spend hanging with his family. The problem here is that he's really no trouble when he's hanging out in his room and he doesn't aggravate his sister.. And more often than not we're all doing our own thing so if I got him to come hang out more- I'm not sure what it'd be for.... "Hey son, come do nothing in particular with us."

This also happens when we've got so much going on that one more thing to deal with just isn't an option. Then it comes down to that idea of picking your battles- like dealing with toilet training, midnight visitors to the bed and failing to help out with cleaning up ones own messes is enough- so we leave the cat to deal with the fact that she keeps getting dragged around the house herself- when on a better day we'd get up and physically deal with it.

5. Weariness – knowing there’s an issue, but being too tired to respond, or becoming discouraged that nothing I’ve tried appears to be working.

This has to be our absolute 100% worst issue.

I mean lets face it- neither of us are the worlds fittest or healthiest people physically so especially when the kids were little and their actions required actually getting up and walking over to them to deal with the issue we were very very far from consistent- which of course produces inconsistent behaviour. Squealing would be a good example of this; I deplore squealing in any circumstance other than pain- but if Will is outside and I've already been out there to tell him not to harass the dogs, and again not to play in the dirt, and again to say not to throw our recycling into the neighbours yard.... then by the time we get to the squealing I'm done and I'm not heading out there again. (And then there's the fact that there's a very good chance I should have been out there playing with him- rather than leaving him to it in the first place.)

Irlens, hearing testing, enrolment in a course of brain gym, need to set up a parent-teacher interview and maybe initiate and IEP, attend some parent information workshops/courses, do some reading and research, and appointments with individual and family counsellors and probably a paediatrician wouldn't be a silly idea...seriously.... I'm tired just writing the list down, and that's before I've even considered how we would afford it which is also a exhausting prospect.

At the moment we also have an issue with some basic communication which is contributed to by weariness.Essentially what is happening is some questions are quite simply going unanswered or at times even being stopped in their tracks because they are so inane that we just can't be bothered. As an example one of our children was watching quake coverage a while back and broke into huge giggles over the sign language interpreter and asked "What the heck is he doing?" I couldn't answer. I just couldn't. I should have I think it's important for her to understand about deafness and what challenges the deaf face and for her to be sensitive and tolerant to difference. But we get so many questions that she should know the answers to.... that Will knows the answers to... that sometimes we just throw our hands up in (minor) despair.

Weariness also means we don't do enough with our children. We don't go for walks, go out places, or camping, we don't often go to the beach, play many games or even do many activities at home with them- Kudos for Les though because he does heaps more activity type stuff than me. I just do all the running around- taxi mum type stuff.

Weariness also means we haven't persisted in sharing some of our values and beliefs with the kids where that takes some effort or we need to put up with complaints- like watching the Simpsons repeats over watching a really cool wildlife doco- I know what I'd rather watch, what I think the kids would get more out of and what I'd like them to be interested in. But I also know that weariness makes my tolerance for complaints and whining and a general lack of appreciation about zero percent... if the path of least resistance lies with the Simpsons I know which path I'm taking.

6. Duplicity – not wanting to deal with my own issue, and thus, creating an allowance for my child’s.

Not too sure about this- but I do sometimes wonder if the poor connection I have with my own daughter is some how related to the zero connection I have with my own mother.
7. Over-reaction – blowing up over the issue rather than contextualising and responding appropriately.

Not me 99% of the time but definitely Les sometimes. He would probably also say that I under react sometimes and that would be fair enough.

Les is harder on Kieran and softer on Merenia.

I am harder on Merenia and softer on Kieran.

Neither of us take a firm enough stance with the red head!

*************************

One of the things I see in the kids most often and really struggle with is a real self-centredness and a very limited ability to take responsibility for their actions:

Kieran was literally pissed off that the Japan Earthquake and Tsunamis happened. for two reasons- one they interrupted Glee for a 'breaking news' report. And two because he knew the disaster would receive extended news coverage which had the potential to go over the usual news hour and horror of horrors cut into the sports news usual allowed time. I found his complete and utter lack of perspective on the situation unfathomable. And honestly wondered how I had managed to raise a kid that thinks like that.  

 Merenia recently couldn't understand why a friend wasn't willing to continue with a game after Merenia had insisted that she herself would be playing all the best parts and doing all the best stuff. She simply fails to see how her actions had contributed to the end of the game. Her friend walked off so therefore the friend was responsible for ending the game. And once again I wonder how I raised a kid who finds it nigh on impossible to see how their actions affect other people.

And they both do it.... so I guess that means it's something we did through our parenting.

One of the things we have generally done well together is to do regular 'status reports' to discus the state of the family nation. We look at problems and figure out solutions and strategies- but it seems to me as the kids have got bigger the problems have got bigger and sometimes we only manage to define and get a handle on the problem before midnight comes knocking and we both need to sleep- actually getting to solving and strategies is harder and takes longer and in some cases we actually just don't have the answers.

It's important to note that this is a great big post of stuff we've done wrong.... there's a bunch of stuff we've done right as well- but that's for another post on another day.

♥

Take Good Care

Perfect for a Sunday.........


"...understand that to nurture and love others with the grace you desire means taking care of yourself and cultivating your own inner harmony. Inner harmony grows not by finding ways to get away from your child, but by giving yourself the gift of a hot bath at the end of a long day, reading a book of poetry, talking to a friend on the phone, taking a nap, crying, getting a massage, having a day off from cleaning and cooking, staying in your pajamas all day, swimming, going out to eat, or attending a conference. Do something for yourself as you give. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take yourself so seriously."
~ Peggy O'Mara, The Way Back Home

From Soulemama  

Can't complain, can't complain.

Things are fairly tough going at the moment for a few people including us. But it doesn't seem right to say so because let's face it there are a bunch who have it much harder right now.

Think your ten year old is a surly little pain in the rear... try having no where to park your rear.

Think your 13 year old is an anti social internet addicted wee fink. Well at least you have internet.

Think your 3 year old is a constant battle. Try constantly battling to try and stay sane pitted against aftershocks.

Think your husband is an insensitive mute. Well at least you still have a husband.

I wonder how it affects people to not feel the right to acknowledge their own pain because some one has it worse? I wonder if it compounds your issues? I wonder if it drags them out longer? I wonder if a lack of acknowledgement makes it nigh on impossible to heal or solve the issue.

And even for those who are in the midst of disaster what about them?
The people who say-
"Hey we're ok we have our power, water our home and family.Lots of people worse off than us." or
"Hey, we're ok it was just material stuff, bricks and mortar at least we didn't lose anyone."
Or the people who feel guilty for leaving Christchurch because they just needed to get away but feel like they deserted their other family members or even just fellow Cantabrians.
They still suffered, are suffering. Not as badly but still hurting and scared.

It's ok.

It's ok to feel like crap. It's ok to say you feel like crap even if your crap is mouse sized compared to somebody else's Great Dane size piece of shit or somebody else's herd of elephants steaming pile of freshly laid dung!

I keep thinking "I'm over it". I'm over all this earthquake stuff and that I'm going to stop watching the news and stop reading stuff and just be an ostrich head in the sand. And then I feel bad. I feel bad for even complaining. Bad because when your having 8 aftershocks before lunch time you don't get to be over it and you don't have a choice to ignore it.

I can't imagine the stress and duress people in Christchurch are being placed under constantly- and I know that I can't imagine it. I know that there's nothing I've been through that compares to their situation and until you've been there in it you just won't know.

But here's the thing. I wake up every morning worrying that there has been another big one overnight and that my family are trapped somewhere. I have to watch the news to check and make sure it's still ok. To see if there is some vital piece of information I need to know or may be helpful. I want to ring my family hourly;
"Hi ya, Still alive?"
"Yep"
"Good, good, carry on living then, please. PLEASE.".

I make plans every time I am driving for if 'it' happened right then to us.
I think of which kid I should go to first- who might I need to contact to help with the others. I know that Les won't be able to help- I'll be on my own. I think of which roads may be cut off with collapsed bridges etc and what my alternate route would be. I worry about Kieran being so far away and if the school would let him go with someone we know or let him walk home? Which way would be best should I find someone that needs emergency help at the hospital? Will the over bridges on the motor way collapse or become unstable. I look at the awnings of the buildings I am walking under. I wonder if I should carry more cash, keep my car topped up with gas. If we have enough canned food etc in the house. If the diary owner and the fruit and vege people would let us owe them if there was no eftpos and we really needed something. I worry about having to help my scary neighbours (I don't want to but I know I should). I worry about needing help from them- yuk. I wonder if Auckland's bridges would collapse and we'd be cut off from other parts of the city. I wonder if there would be a Tsunami- and if I should worry about that with us being relatively close to the water. I wonder if we should stay at home or go to base- lets face it Les will be working- but at least we'd feel more supported and protected over there. I think how I would get everyone and everything over to base if we couldn't drive and if there would be live power lines on the ground if we had to walk there. I think about the wisdom of storing our water and food stuffs in cupboards that are not fixed to the wall. I worry about the fact that the things we need torches, candles, radios, batteries, blankets, important documents etc are spread around the house. I worry about the way our furniture is set up and if it would prevent us getting to the kids if  if it happened at night. I fear that the bunks would collapse down on themselves causing grievous harm to our boys. I wonder where we could go if leaving town was the best option- south would be best but hardest and we don't know anyone all that well up north. And I worry about the last time we backed up our photos because next to the husband, kids and the cat they are my most precious possession. I wonder if it's silly to want to take the hard drive if we have to leave home. And we should really buy a cat carry box or else Ruby will be loose in the car or left behind if we have to walk.

And to be honest I'm kind of exhausted by all that worrying. And it's not all that I am worried about right now.

So ya know what?

I know that others have it heaps worse than me. I know they are living my nightmares right now and my 13 year olds internet habit pales in comparison and my 3 year olds 'self given' haircut is a laugh not a worry.

But I can complain.

I am.

I just did.

Life kind of sucks right now. For all of us.

♥

The Last Time

When Will hurt his finger the other day one of the things I missed most was the ability to bundle him up and give him a boob! This liitle boy who absolutely loved his booby didn't look like he was going to give it up anytime soon and while I didn't mind too much I was struggling with the afternoon sleep that had me stuck on the couch under a sleeping boy snuggled up to his favourite booby.

So when I went to camp Will went cold turkey. It wasn't a problem while I was away.

But he did struggle a little after I got home. I had to tell him a few times that boobies were finished and that they were all empty. A couple of times in the months previous when Will hurt himself he got what we called a 'treat booby' -one that happened outside of our normal routine to calm him down or get him back to sleep when he woke too early.

A treat booby really would have gone down a treat on Wednesday, but it's the bittersweet truth that those days are now behind us.

I'm not quite sure how I feel about that, but I am glad that I got to forever record the last one.
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The Chimpanzee, the lamb and everything else

Do you know the puzzle with the wolf, the goat and the cabbage? You know the one where you have to get all three across a river but can only carry one in your boat at any one time. If you leave the goat and the cabbage together the goat pigs out and if you leave the wolf and the goat together then you don't have a goat any more.

That's my life at the moment.

Except I don't have goat I have a sweet precious wee lamb whom I am very enamoured with. He's soft and gorgeous, has "tiny hair", is a bit of a cruiser and likes to sleep ok. He goes by the name of Baby Jake. (To distinguish him from big boy Jake).
I also don't have a wolf I have a cheeky juvenile chimpanzee who likes to use the lambs head as bongo drums if possible. Is full of energy (when he's not sick- then he's full of woe) and sees sleeping as an activity to do on me in the hottest part of the day.
And the cabbage, well that's anything in the house we can't keep out of Will's reach or that we haven't yet realised that Will has the ability to make trouble with.

Yesterday I had to put the washing out.
You can't trust the boy outside on his own because of the paddling pool.
You can't trust the boy inside with the baby because of the whole bongo thing.
So you take the baby outside and set him up on a blanket in the shade.
Return for the washing passing the boy on the way.
Race out with the washing.
Check that the boy hasn't made it to the baby.
Check that the baby hasn't wriggled too far and is not grasping a noxious weed to his sweet wee rosebud lips.
Check that the boy isn't on his way to the pool.
Hang washing monitoring movement.
The baby can't last as long as it takes to hang a load and is ready to be picked up and go inside.
The boy can last about 5 times as long as it takes to hang the washing and is most peeved at cutting his outside time short.
Deposit baby on play mat to get essential baby supplies.
Boy stands perilously close.
Boy contemplates repertoire of trouble.....

"Hmmmmm... what to do???"

• Pull down bars from across the change mat- freak out baby.
• Bongo's- hurt the baby.
• Smother with pillow- surprise the baby- but also provide him with something to suck on.
• Steal the baby's dummy and suck it- upset the baby and make the mummy grumpy.
• Shove toy baby bottle in baby's mouth- shock the baby.

Ahhhh all of these been done before.

Let's try attempted sitting on the baby's chest.
Retrieved by mummy. Baby unscathed.

Mummy needs the loo.
Baby safely shut in the lounge.
The boy in the hallway outside loo.

Crying.

Mummy opens the door.

Boy joins mummy.

Mummy wipes nose, chin and cheeks of formally distraught and now quite snotty boy.

"Need Tampons?" Says boy.

Mummy rues boy's excellent language skills and brilliant memory.

And regrets own forthrightness while previously answering questions.

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Catching-up

I know it seems like I blog everyday but sometimes I set up posts to go out automatically and don't actually physically write on the blog for a week or more at a time. That is both good and bad. Many blog readers find it frustrating when the posts are few and far between so it's good to have something posting most days. It's good for me to get the memories out there and share pics with family and friends.

On the flip-side if I do that too much then I don't end up talking about what's on my mind and what is happening right here and now. It's late right now so this isn't going to be one of those posts but I wanted to say a quick hello and check in.

Last week we started looking after Baby Jake and had a bunch of other bits and pieces going on so it was at least a very full-on week, at it's worst incredibly frustrating and quite heart breaking. This week has also started on a serious low so I am hoping that we only go up from here on in. I'm philosophical about all this. Life happens and there are worse things.

The thing that has been most on our mind recently is parenting. There are things going on with all of the kids, and there choices and issues for us as parents which are new and very challenging.

I was thinking as I composed the post in my head that parenting is something that we actually don't talk about that much. I think it falls into one of those areas that while it doesn't appear controversial on the face of it it can be really contentious.

From the the time that babies are born there is the whole 'too posh to push' vs. squeeze 'em out au natural and breast vs. bottle. Then there's vaccinators vs. those of us on the lunatic fringe who are going to hell for putting God's children at risk. And then, may you be struck down forever if you deign to proudly share the latest achievement of your darling babe because lets face it you may think your comments an innocent sharing of special moments but all the other parents know it for the 'my-baby- is-better-than-yours' of some hot housing mother. I've even learned recently that there are the them and us's of the home educating world: School at home-er's vs. unschooler's, and Christian homeschoolers vs. those of us who are not expected to enjoy the afterlife.

That is incredibly sad. Parenting is something so many people are or have been involved in. There is a wealth of information and experience out there which is not being shared lest we cause offence or look show-offish. And then there are those who may be struggling with the day-to-day mundane-ness or a bad case of wanna-be super woman syndrome- admit failure? suggest that life is less than rosy? or that a 4kg midget is holding your sanity to ransom?... I don't think so.

So I'm hoping to find time in amongst parenting to actually talk about parenting on the blog. I've got some questions and I may have some answers as well. How about you?

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