When Mama ain't happy...

On April 17th I gave up Coffee- in fact all forms of caffeine. I was having two iced coffees most days. Doesn't seem like a big deal right? Well that's 1250mls and equates to 8 coffees a day and about 1/2kg of sugar per week. Giving up caffeine is one of the most physically difficult things I have ever done. It sucked. I got horribly ill. I had a migraine and all sorts of stuff going on. I had the most incredible muscle aches in my legs I thought I was getting DVT's and I couldn't comfortably sit, or lie down. In the end I took a lot of pain killers and went to bed for most of Easter.

On April 29th I quit smoking. Quitting smoking is one of the most emotionally difficult things I have ever done. And I'm honestly surprised no one got physically harmed in the process. 

As I write I'm in week 22- I am 5 weeks smoke free and 7 weeks caffeine free. You'd think one would be happy about these things but I'm not I still feel really angry that the choice to do this was taken away from me. Yes I chose to stop... but there was a lot of pressure to do so. Emotional and financial.

I get it.

But here's the thing coffee allowed me to stay up way past the kids bed time and have time to do the stuff I love and want to do. And it gave me the energy to function like a human being the next day. 

Smoking gave me a 5 minute time out every hour or so from what I find is a very full on and constant task- raising kids and in particular having someone with me full time all day long. I'm an introvert for my very survival I need time on my own in real peace to be able to cope and perform as a decent human being.

And I mean alone and I mean in peace. Today (as I write) is a public holiday in WA and Les has 'done me a favour' by taking the little boys out for the day. Kieran and Merenia demand little to nothing of my time and energy. But right now Merenia is baking she has the beater going and when it's not she comes to ask me questions and check on things. The constant noise and interruptions make me feel like exploding. Kieran is on the Wii. The music is repetitive and annoying and every so often someone will blow a whistle or something.

Les expects this day to be restorative for me- but I am so wound up I might just suddenly fly apart into many pieces. Home is my only place. There's no Starbucks, Scrapcamp, Brown's Bay, Friday night scrapping- this is it. And I am almost never alone here at a reasonable hour of the day.  The big kids are almost always home on the weekends. I don't have another place to go. There is no respite, there is no space, there is no break. Not even a five minute break outside with a cigarette. I feel so angry all the time. And it flows on to the rest of the people in the house. Especially the smaller two and the results are disastrous.

To be cont....

♥