Story Chapter 23- Saskia

 

 Yesterday my first daughter turned 14. We had balloons and birthday cards. We made a special brunch with Eggs Benedict, Bacon and all sorts of delicious goodness. We had Macarons, Chocolate Mudcake and plans for special cold chocolates. The only thing we didn't have was Saskia.

Saskia died before she even had a chance to take a breath outside of my body. At the time I was understandably devastated. I threw myself into making sure we delivered and buried our daughter in the best way possible. And then I threw myself into reading the stories of baby loss that others had shared on the internet. And then I threw myself into writing down the story of her pregnancy, death and birth in a special scrapbook. And then I threw myself into hiding from the world that was moving on without me. And then I threw myself into a long and terrifying pregnancy. And then I finally had a new baby in my arms.

And then we got the internet at home and I was able to find a way to use what I had been through for good. I was able to reach out to mothers in the raw stage of their grief and those who were standing on the edge of the cliff which is a subsequent pregnancy deciding if they were brave enough to jump. I threw myself into yet another endeavour in the name of my girl- pregnancy loss support online. I cried my way through hundreds of stories, offered advice and support and made precious friends around the world.

With time and experience I learned more and did more and had my whole perspective on life changed all because my baby died. The things I gained because of the loss were so much more than the loss itself. The gifts of patience, perspective, and an appreciation of all life (the details and the big story) have been such a benefit to my life that I wouldn't be without them.

I learned to see my daughter not as what we had lost but what we had been given. Not the least of which is her sister and most likely her younger brothers who would not have come when they did had it not been for her going.

It was awful and wonderful and I wouldn't change a thing.

Dear Saskia, I love you. Happy 14th Baby Girl! Love Mum xoxo

♥