Story Chapter 20 - Being a good friend, or not

When I got married my Dad was my 'maid of honour' there was no one else who had been in my life long enough or who was closer to me than him. There was no real friendship of significance at that time that merited the honour of holding that spot.

I've always had friends but they seem to have been transient through my life for various reasons. I've moved from Dunedin, to Auckland to Blenheim to Nowra to Auckland and now to Perth. Or they've moved. In some cases we've grown apart and there was also a break-up of a significant friendship.

I always liked the phrase :"friends for a reason, a season and a lifetime". I have certainly had some of the former two and only a few of the latter. I've also used it as an excuse to separate myself from people that I feel I no longer have a place for in my life.

I am a strongly loyal friend and very generous. But I can also be what I'd describe as a 'bit aspergers' in my relationships and completely miss signals and also act quite aloof. It only occurs to me much later when I think of how an exchange 'should' have played out- what I should have done in that situation. At which point I'm kicking myself for inadvertently treating someone really special quite poorly.

I really struggle most of all in my relationships with women. I have had some really impactful relationships that have left me with a fortress like barrier around my heart and soul most of the time the drawbridge is down- but the barricades will go up in a snap if I sense a threat- real or imagined. My reaction is either to fight or more likely to run- and run fast.

I am also finding that the older I get and the busier I get I'm more fussy about the people outside of family that I'm willing to spend my time on and with. I also believe that I am a fairly good judge of who I am going to gel with and who I'm not. And that means that I can decide quite quickly if I think a friendship is worth pursuing. When we first arrived in Perth I worked really hard to find friends. Really hard. So hard I pretty much felt burnt out by it in the end. And since then to be honest I've been behaving badly.

We all have a little voice inside us that tells us if we're doing something decent or not, something loving, something sharing, something giving, but sometimes we have a lot of chatter in our lives. That's why we need to learn to be quiet and listen.  

~Christopher Reeve

I've met a few people and have one established friend, my neighbour Bel, and three or four more in the works- parents of the kids friends that I'd like to get to know better. I find it hard, because our connection is the kids, to find a common thing outside of the kids that we could build the friendship on. Especially because I've never been one of those people who does coffee, or lunch or goes out to do things- I'm a homebody and happy being so.

That said I've met a few others that could have been friends and even indeed wanted to be friends but I made fairly quick decisions that they weren't for me. One came across as someone who I had a lot in common with and shared values but in reality was quite false and pretentious- I have no time for that at all. Two came with massive piles of baggage- which in itself I don't have a problem with. I mean I have a fair bit myself, but I try very hard not to let it define who I am. I don't spend my days playing the victim and consistently sending out a 'woe is me' message. And with four children, a husband and my own welfare to care for I don't have the emotional energy to take on a friend who is like that. Luckily for me one of those people just didn't continue the contact beyond the mutual point that brought us together in the first place.

But... and here's where we get to the point where my bad behaviour comes in... there are two people I have met since I got here- one of those mentioned above and another that I decided fairly early on weren't the friends for me.

I am gutless. A complete coward.

I don't want to hurt someone's feelings and I certainly don't want to be 'there' when I do it. So I've been rudely ignoring those two people when they have contacted me. I should front up and just let them know that I don't think we should continue the friendship but I have just really struggled to do it.

Until now.

Ailsa,

I appreciated the time that you took to email me before we came to Perth. I was happy to welcome you into my home and had great hopes for a friendship with another displaced Kiwi here in Perth.

I found that when we spoke at my home during your visit that we had conflicting views on practically every topic that we discussed. When you went home I felt defeated and dispirited and thought that I was unlikely to hear from you again. I don't believe that any of your opinions or beliefs are in any way bad but I simply don't share them. While I can see that two people are unlikely to agree on everything, the number of things that we disagreed on and the conviction behind your opposing opinions on some really key subjects I believe would make a friendship between us at the very least difficult, if not impossible.

I believe that you are a kind and generous person who would make a great friend, just not a great friend for me.

I'd like to offer you a very sincere apology for the way that I have behaved. It was inconsiderate and rude and not at all how you deserved to be treated. I am sorry that I ignored your texts and comments on the blog. I should have just fronted up and said how I was feeling from the outset and I regret not doing so. For all of that I unreservedly apologise.

Sincerely,
Gypsy


Not one of the better parts of my story. But an important one and something to learn from for the future.