I used to have a friend called Martha- we have lost touch now. We met because of our similarities. She and her husband were posted to Canberra with the Navy the same time that we were posted to Nowra with the Air Force. They had two sons and were pregnant with triplets. Their babies were born at 23 weeks and they two sons and a daughter all passed away in their arms. This happened, March 4th 2000, not long after we lost Saskia and Les' mum who had seen the death notice in the paper in NZ sent it to us- wondering if we knew them. We didn't. But I tracked them down and got in contact- one mother of an angel to another. We ended up catching up and stayed in touch after we were posted back to NZ. We were absolutely rapt for Martha and her husband when they had a baby girl a year or so after their babies died.
One thing that Martha did that I always thought was really cool- but to be honest haven't done, was to spend her Mother's Day celebrating the children she has here on earth and doing things for them- rather than being pandered to by them. Rather than being thanked for being a mum on mother's day she celebrates and appreciates that she has the opportunity to be a parent to children here on earth. It a lesson the triplets death taught her.
It's a lesson I also learned from Saskia. To be thankful for what you have. And to keep things in perspective. I clearly remember an example of this one day many years ago. I had made the mistake of going to Pak n'Save Albany on a Saturday Morning. Every checkout was open and each one had a line that extended 5-6 people deep. The tension in that massive room was palpable. People were MAD, furious, absolutely livid. The prospect of spending 20 minutes standing in a queue was quite almost more than they could bear. There was a stack of large rubbish bins beside me and I wanted to stand on it and shout at them all. I wanted to say "People- it's just a little time- in the scale of your whole life you are losing nothing. Of all the things you could lose- a little time is nothing. Compared to losing your child this is NOTHING." I didn't, but I wanted to. What I did instead was stood in the line and felt grateful for the ability to see the reality of the situation. I talked to the people around me and tried to be friendly and light. I waited and felt grateful for the perspective I had gained with what I lost.
This story is both big and small. Being able to find the goodness in such an awful situation as losing a child and being at a place where you can be grateful for the lessons you have learned is big. Being able to be calm and happy in a tense and crowded supermarket is small. Neither thing though is less important than the other. Feeling grateful for the big and the small in my life is an integral part of my story. The story will not be a success without it. I don't believe you can be happy if you cannot be grateful. I do believe that you can be even happier if you actively practice gratitude.
Today is Mother's Day and while I'm still not going to really follow Martha's example I am going to spend my day being grateful for every moment big and small that I spend with my children.
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