Re-finding my voice

One of my favourite things to do on this blog has always been to write. In the start I pretty much only shared it with the few people I could really trust in the world: Jim, and Kieley They were my people the ones I could trust with my whole heart. (You're probably thinking, what about Les right? He's too involved, too soft, and will too often not truly hear what I have said- it's too much of a risk to hurt him, and what hurts him hurts us.) So because I knew that I could trust my audience I wrote what I wanted for the most part.

Then my audience expanded. It was ok at first.

I tempered what I wrote a little.

Then Kieley and I 'broke-up' and I was petrified. Worried that I might write something that inadvertently somehow hurt her more than I already, albeit unwittingly, had or that she could use to hurt me more too.

I wrote less.

Then we had some issues on the home front and we looked to people we loved and trusted for support and received judgement and blame.

I wrote less.

Then things got really hard.

I pretty much stopped writing. Certainly stopped writing from my heart and stopped writing honestly.

I was shielding myself from judgement.

But it's wholly unsatisfying and it shows a distinct lack of integrity. To make our life look like rose and kittens- or rather pink gallahs and pretty gum trees is not why I have this space.

I have it because it's a home for my brain and my heart, somewhere to share my thoughts and somewhere to be myself.

I've always made my real home my castle- refusing entry to those who might try and bring usme down- who threaten to expose or exploit our vulnerabilities either intentionally or unintentionally. But I've let those people into my internet home and allowed my beliefs about the threat they pose to limit me, to censor my voice lest I provide them with ammunition.

But to be honest I'm stronger than that, I may not feel it right now. But I do know it. And I working my way back up to full-me. And one of the ways to do that is to put my voice here again, honestly and with integrity.

So that's what you'll see here from here on, my voice. Not everyday but more often than in recent times. You'll see we're having good times. You'll see that we've been struggling more often than not lately. You'll see that we are blessed. You'll see that things aren't always what they seem. And that sometimes they are. Maybe you won't like what you see. And if so please keep it to yourself it's your issue not mine. This is my space, a place for my voice.

♥