Story Chapter 28- Anxious

Since I've been in Perth I've had two experiences that come pretty close to what I understand is an anxiety attack. Not really bad ones- just very stressful. They both occurred in situations where there were a lot of people and I couldn't reasonably get away.

One hasn't had too much impact but it stems from something I feel quite strongly about and was really hard at the time. I don't want to go into too much detail because there's personal information involved.

1. Someone possibly acted in a potentially risky manner that needed to be dealt with urgently.
2. Someone lets call them Mr X knew about this and contacted me leaving a message on my phone: "Please give me a call about person 'A'".
3. Not realising this was an urgent matter due to the nature of the message I delayed returning the call.
4. I eventually returned the call and found that action needed to be taken.
5. Thankfully everything was basically ok but we needed to do some follow-up.
6. A few days later I spoke to Mr X and suggested that I wouldn't have known what to do in the same situation. But with the benefit of hindsight I recommended should they ever face that situation again they needed to leave a more detailed message highlighting the urgency. And they should have also contacted Les and if they failed to reach him some one else.
7. Mr X immediately went on the defensive- a result of the highly risk adverse culture we have here. Mr X  replied that they "followed procedure". 
8. In this case the procedure followed sucked.

Five months down the track and for the first time I am in a situation to be in direct contact with Mr X who is a relatively central figure in our life. And Mr X still on the defensive practically ran past me throwing a hello as they unfalteringly moved on. This was not a situation where Mr X could not talk to me- in fact it was a situation where one would have expected they absolutely would have talked to me. But the nature of Mr X STILL in his defensive state made me 'persona non grata'. I felt like shit. And I wanted to get away as fast as possible. I was desperate to get out of the room. But wasn't allowed unless I left the event completely which I couldn't do as I needed to see Person A do their thing and transport them from the event. I literally hid in a corner behind a table on the floor and pretended I was playing there with Tama.

The second incident at Will's school I have come to realise has impacted very strongly the way I interact with the other parents each day at drop off and pick-up. It was way back around Mother's day. All of the class's Mum's gathered to enjoy looking at the work the kids have done and a musical variety concert. One of the things the kids had done was a poster talking about how their mum's smell. All the other Mum's got roses, perfume, flowers, and lollies.

I got "Steamy female smell".

I was supposed to like the honesty and thoughtfulness of Will's idea.

I didn't.

Other Mums pointed and laughed at 'my smell' on the poster.

I felt paranoid and awful. I wanted to run away.

Far away.

And never come back.

It was compounded after school when one of the class mums who is also a hockey mum was telling me how funny she thought it was and how she took a picture to show some of her fellow classmates at teacher's college.
Awesome.
not.

In a situation where I was trying so hard to fit in and be friendly and make friends and be a part of this community this was a massive blow to my confidence and my just basic ability to even go physically near other people. I'm still stand off-ish months down the track.

So why tell this story?

It's good for me to get it. To think about it, turn it over in my mind and see the impact it has had. In the case of the first story I can see that I didn't do anything wrong and the issue lies with Mr X and his defence mechanism- a direct result of the culture he exists in. When I look at it like that I feel a lot better about the whole incident.

In the second case looking at my behaviour helps me to understand the barriers I have put in place and how they are impacting my ability to be a part of Will's school community and to make friends with other parents. I have some work to do- but at least I know the what and the why of it all- and now just need to figure out how to move past it- and maybe understanding what I've been doing will be enough. 

  

 I hope it is.

♥