Spot Fires and Finding Rhythm

If I were a journalling sort of person this would all be going down in my diary I guess- but I've never been able to do that sort of writing to myself without feeling like a bit of a dick. There's a risk in placing it here- but this is my space for doing it, so do it I will. It's a bit all over the place and for that I apologise.

I'm struggling a bit at the moment- you can probably see that in both my blogging and lack of creating.

I'm not sure if it's a chicken or an egg thing.

I thrive when I am creative and I haven't had much time for it lately and even less energy. I'm also in that state of having a lot of ideas and projects that I want to do that I'm sort of frozen on the spot- where to start? what to do? how? and most of all when?

Also I set one very specific goal for the month of February and one for March. April is fast approaching and with it another goal and yet neither of the other two have been met. It's hard to keep failing myself day after day, to be letting myself down constantly.

I'm also finding that we are living our lives in such a way that we are dealing with the 'spot fires' while the big bush fire is raging out of control, largely ignored like the proverbial elephant in the room.

We are facing issues with each of the kids- big hard stuff that deserves massive attention and really needs effective and fairly immediate action.

We need to look seriously at what's next for us and what needs to be now for us. Buy a house maybe. Loose weight. Live with intention. Spend more time together engaged in valued activity.

I've lost my passion for photographing and recording our lives both via the blog and creatively. I couldn't care less if I went a week without taking photos- and if you know me you'll know that's pretty out of character.

I used to pack a whole lot into my days. I was one of those busy people who did it all. I'm not saying that I want to be there again- I don't. But I would like to feel some of the satisfaction that comes with achievement.

Overall and on the surface of it I am happy with our life today. We are living in a great place. Les' work isn't too demanding and he generally gets home less 10 minutes later than in NZ. We have enough money to be comfortable at the moment- though things are going to get a bit tighter soon. The kids schools are good enough. The weather is fabulous.

But I'm not really satisfied. 

Part of the solution for these issues and this feeling of discontent that I have is simply getting more sleep and therefore more energy- but that in itself creates an issue in that we lose valuable time for 'doing stuff' if we hit the hay early.And that 'stuff' I want to do it also important to me.

And I really feel like I'm missing some sort of rhythm in my days. I discovered late in 2010 that I really like routine. It sounds bland and boring and well, routine- but it's good stuff and I don't have it. And it's causing me to forget to do stuff. Big stuff and small stuff.... and in particular the small stuff that becomes big stuff. Things like reading to the baby, changing the straps on the car seat. Buying some plants for the garden and a whole raft of other stuff I wish I could tell you but well- I forgot.

There is SO much going on in my head I may explode. Seriously my head might just pop open and words and ideas and thoughts will just spew out and make a mess like high velocity spaghetti splatter after some sort of Bolognaise blow up. Some of it is important stuff like thinking about finding friends, and finding ways to: save money, simplify our lives, and discipline the WILL-ful one without going insane. And some of it is chaff like 'fantasy craft shopping' or dream house plans or the recipe for the perfect home made Frappaccino.

And it's going on all the time like someone is sitting and flicking the channel switch on the remote for my brain. It's distracting and exhausting and makes it nigh on impossible for me to find a flow and a rhythm for my days- to create that routine that I seem to be craving. I come up with great ideas and sometimes even execute them and it works and then my brain moves on. And I take a shortcut because I forgot why I was taking the hard path- and the shortcut ends up being an even harder path and I'm back to square one or worse.

Don't get me wrong here. I'm LUCKY. I have a great life. I have an awesome husband. I am fortunate to have my children. To have enough money and a great place to live. I am blessed to have one super huge stash of creating goodness and a space to use it. I'm lucky to be experiencing life in a whole new place. I have wonderful friends who are still very much present in my life despite being 5 hours ahead of me at all times.

I'm just not rocking this super life I have been blessed with, and that is doing it a huge injustice.

I'm happy keen to hear your thoughts on this.

Gypsy

♥